Friday, April 29, 2005

Into another dementsion

It's time for part 3 of our Wake Up Time Story. If you haven't read Part 1 or Part 2, take a look.

In our last episode, we left our zero between what seemed like a Iraq and a hard place. Not only were laser guns shooting up through his window, but the door to his room had just burst open!...

Barry went tp squeeze the trigger but was blinded with a bluish light. Barry felt an excruciating burning numbness in all three fingers of his hand. Ooooooh, it hurt. "Barry!" came a loud whisper. "Huh?" "Barry! It isn't even midnight yet! Look what you did! We've got to get out of here now!" Barry didn't know Sofia was capable of getting mad, but apparently so. "Sofia! look what you did to my fingers!" "You almost killed me though, Barry. Never mind that, let's scram!" Sofia took Barry firmly by his bad hand. Ouch. Then Sofia used her free hand to put away her ray gun, and get out her cell. With lasers flashing all around them, Barry kind of wondered what was up with Sofia playing video games on her cell phone. His fingers hurt too much to care other than to say: "Um, I thought we were outta here." Right then Barry felt himself and Sofia being sucked right into the cell phone. "Wooa!" They were warped right in to the cell phone, and onto the internet!!! All Barry could see were big squares, dot com's, and giant 0's and 1's everywhere! Things seemed to whirl past them at the speed of light! "Where are we?" "We are in cyberspace, Barry! Hoooold oooon tiiiiiight!" "How did we get in here?!" "I sent us as an email attachment on my phone." "Coooooooooooool..." After several more minutes of cruising the super highway in their awesome convertible email, they suddenly came to a screeching halt. "Oh great..." muttered Sofia under her breath. "...virus check!"

"Alright. Outta the car, you two. Virus scan time." "Just play it cool, don't give them your real name," whispered Sofia. Barry and Sofia stepped out of the vehicle. "What's your name, kid?" Barry didn't want to lie. Then he remembered that he could use his middle name. "Bobby," he said. "Put your hands straight out and to the side." Barry obeyed. As the man used his scanner, Barry saw Sofia step behind the man and brandish her weapon. BEEP BEEP, BEEP BEEP, BEEP BEEP, went the scanner as it passed over Barry's torso. "OK, we've got an infectious email attachment here!!" yelled the man. Right then, a bunch of things happened at once. Barry saw Sofia hit the man on the head with her gun while at the same time Barry felt himself being pushed along with Sofia AND the gruff security man back into the email. Then he saw another man push a button."Oh no!", said Sofia. We're being deleted!"

Tune in next time as our hero learns the answer to a deep philosophical question many have labored to answer: Where does data go once it is deleted?!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Looking for the purrfect dinner

Green Horned Owl

----- Original Message -----
From: Suzi Beeman
To: hgallagher
Sent: Wednesday, April 20, 2005 12:18 AM
Subject: something
Well, I wanted to call you and tell you about this, but you haven't seemed home - maybe you went to James' concert or cleaned and went to bed - I hope that you and James and the baby are alright - I am a little worried that maybe we killed you yesterday!

Well, guess what? An owl got Betsy - it was very horrible and I saw it all. It was dusk and the boys [the boys are cats] wouldn’t' come in so I couldn’t get them and hold the dog, so I left the door open and held the dog and thought Betsy [another cat] would be afraid to come out even though I was holding him. I knew the owl was sitting in a tree and had been flying low - I think he was after Patrick and Peter and maybe they were too big, but I kind of doubt it. Betsy ran out and started being very bizarre and calling attention to herself - she ran all over and rolled in the dust out in the middle between the houses and she and Patrick and Peter ran all over the yard chasing each other, even to the trees at the little house - I was yelling and beginning to cry and couldn't get them and then Betsy tore over here and climbed a big tree in the front by where James and Daddy left the first pool load. She would not come down - I think she was after a bird and I was trying to get her down and the owl came flying very fast and low at the tree where she was and it was so fast I am still not sure what really happened - he flew so fast right to her in the tree and somehow got her - there was a terrible noise and scuffle even though the owl was flying the whole time - he grabbed her and she was hanging and I am still not sure if she was in his beak or his feet - I think it was his mouth, but I am not sure...then I thought she dropped but I wasn't sure as it was getting dark and he flew over across the yard to the Trees at the little house and I was screaming and screaming and Jubilee [the dog] ferociously began to chase him - he was flying so low and trying to get back up and then he was gone and so was Betsy - I cried and cried and Daddy finally came out and wanted to know what was the matter - He heard me yelling but thought I was just calling the cats - I got very hysterical because it was so horrible and Daddy went looking - I really didn't want to see Betsy with no head. Later, we looked all over with a flashlight, and suddenly Betsy appeared, no worse for the wear - what a horrible thing - she ran into the porch and was fine although of all things she has wanted out all evening....what a crazy - Peter and Patrick stared at the whole thing in shock as did I! I have never seen anything quite like it before. It was almost kind of beautiful in it's terribleness - I wonder if that is how God is. Anyway, I think I shall never forget the sight of the owl toting Betsy through the air - daddy was kind of surprised I think - he didn't think the owls could really get cats. I think the owl is keeping close watch on the cats - we think it is a great horned owl after reading, but it may be a barred owl - well, what a wild world we live in - I don't think I will let the kittens play outside - if it is barred owl, they even occasionally hunt in the day. They certainly have good eyes and aim - you should have seen it!

Hope that James' concert went well and that you are alright - we bought a weed wacker today and Daddy has been using it and the lawn mower - thanks for all your help - all the time! Mrs. Del Mul told me about a room near Big Sandy that is only 39.95 - but no pool - what do you think? I am still not sure I can do it, but we will see!

Love, to all, (even Solly [our cat] ), Mama beginning to sound like Grandma!

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.10.2 - Release Date: 4/21/05

Zero Intelligence: They make handcuffs for eight year-olds too

Sunday, April 17, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Need a little spice in your life? Click here and then click on the play icon to hear this.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

When you've gotta tune to the piano, you've got to tune to the piano.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Where the Green Fern Goes

If you can believe this, someone stole my wife's fern right off the front porch. Gimmie a break. Please just gimmie a break. They could have taken my garden hose. It's worth more! *sigh*
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, April 08, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Tigger Happy - Part 2 of the corny Marsian story

To continue our Wake up Time story...

Last time we punished ourselves with unedifying reading material our poor little French speaking Martian friend had just been kidnapped and brought to Earth. Poor Barry didn't know the things to come. Poor little Barry just sat there staring in amazement that this dude in the white shirt could speak his language. The man looked very surprised, too! He he said it again: "Bonjour!" "B-b-bbb-Bonjour," said Barry. Then all the men started acting really goofy and talking in another language to one another. They seemed very pleased and happy. One of them left as if on an errand. Barry suddenly realized that he was strapped down into a sort of bed. He started speaking to them. He asked them to remove his bonds. They could not understand, and didn't seem to care anyway. Barry blacked out again for a while. When he awoke, he was in an amazing room, full of the more of the creatures. They looked important. He seemed to be in rolling chair of sorts. There was a kind looking woman creature standing directly to his right. She had a an excited, yet kind smile on her face. She spoke to him in French/Martian and said, "Hi, my name is Sofia, and I will be your translator." She made him feel comfortable, although her lips were way too red. To make a long story short, the the head of the UN (who was basically the head of the Earth, dude) told him through Sofia his translator that he was welcome and blah blah blah blah blah, etc. They told him that that had admired his society for centuries, but didn't want to interrupt it's progress. They told him that they admired the Martian political system, and wanted to employ something similar on this planet. Sleaze bags. This made Barry upset. Sofia accompanied Barry back to his new abode assigned to him. They rode in an amazing little floating vessel. What amazed Barry, were all the holograms (that's what Sofia called them) in the sky to direct motorists. What an amazing city! Once while Sofia was talking to Barry, she put her hand on his arm. This made Barry jump. He had never been touched by one of the creatures. Sofia told him not to be afraid. She told him that she had touched many aliens from many planets, and that she was not afraid. Why did he need to be afraid? Sofia seemed wise and beautiful to Barry. (Even if her lips were way too red) When they got to Barry's new place, Sofia explained that Barry would not be allowed to leave without permission. Barry didn't mind that *too* much, as it was the ritz. "I will be staying here as well, along with the hired help. I will be at your side daily, for your every translating need. Everything from the Prime Minister of the World, to the cook." "Wow Sofia, this is all so amazing. Sofia... I'm afraid. I don't want Earth to imitate the Marsian social system. Does the Prime Minister smoke? I feel so messed up." "Barry, you must trust me. I am on your side. I have a plan to get you out of here. Why do you think we speak the same language? Because you evolutionized from the French. Barry, I want you to be ready to leave at midnight tonight. I will come to your door at that time, and we will leave. You see, I am a spy for the French. France loves you. France hates the UN. We will act unilaterally." "What does that mean, Sofia?" "Never mind that now, Barry. Off to bed...and just in case you need it....take this ray-gun. Only use it if you need to. See you then...." Sofia handed him a REALLY cool laser gun like Barry had heard politicians' children talk about seeing in the movies. Barry went off to his room. Cool place actually. But Barry could not resist TRYING the laser gun. Maybe if he just pointed is at something out the window. It was pretty dark outside. Barry placed his finger on the cold trigger. Slowly he squeezed it, aiming at a dark object. Bvvvvvvweeeeet! A flash of blue light went across the yard outside! "Aaaaaaaa!" Barry could see the form of a creature holding it's hand in pain. SUDDENLY...Laser guns started shooting up at him by the bajillion! "Oh no!", thought Barry. He ducked. Flashes of light illuminated the room. Barry saw sparks everywhere. "Now what?! What am I gonna do? Shoot back? Right then the door opened. Barry aimed his gun in the darkness...

Join us again for another chapter in the life of a trigger happy French speaking Marsian...When our story continues....

Friday, April 01, 2005

Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time

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