Monday, February 28, 2005

Fake a new friend

OK people, I have found the ultimate in entertainment. This is so cool. Check it out.

(I can't vouch for clean content, but so far, very clean--not to mention totally belly-laughing hilarious.)
this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, February 27, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I always draw modern art when I am feeling disturbed, or alone. I just found this on my hard disk from years ago. Do you like it? If so, I am really worried about you.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Too tired to practice.

"Good energy" crisis, dude

My wife's parents are moving out of their rent home down the street from us. We moved here to be near them, but I guess they didn't like us. Just kidding. Actually, they are moving to this other place out in the boonies because the rent is very low. Actually, low = free. Not kidding.

Hope's parents are nice people. Their family has a certain warmth. On my way home from work today, I drove past their nearly empty house. I started to daydream about the next people who would move in. You see, it's not really a great neighborhood we live in (although my dear wife hates for me to say that), so I imagine the people who would move in would be creeps like most of the people in this neighborhood. I got thinking...You know how when nice people live somewhere, even if they move out, they leave "good vibes" behind? You know, like there is a warm feeling of "this is a nice place" which seems to have seeped right into the architecture. Okay, I know I sound really new agey, but haven't you ever noticed that to be true? Like you are helping a really nice friend of yours move, and just as you take out the last box you take one last look. Even if you have few or no memories of that person's house, you can sense the warmth. This also works both ways, as far as "bad vibes," ya know.

Anyway, back to the creeps who might move in. My daydream consisted of a female and 2 males, all in their twenties. The extras in the scene are their addict buddies. Everyone is wearing black, although some have disturbing, faint designs on their shirts which are in gray, maroon, and more gray. They are all walking into the house for the first time. The female has hair dyed a dark puke red. She looks around as if taking in the room and speaks in a soft, new agey, peace-out kinda voice to male #1: "Ya know... This place has a good feeeeeling. Ya know what I mean, dude? There's like, good energy here." Male #1 says, "Yeah. I'm with you." Female: Yeah. It's here, man." Male #2 bursts into the room: "Why aren't you people helping unload?" Female loses it: "BOBBYYYYYYYYYY!", she yells in an unimaginably horrid growl, which sounds like somebody has the distortion pedal to the metal..."YOUR RUINING THE GOODY EN-ER-GYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyy!"

Her voice trails off slowly in my mind, until it becomes only a faint, yet chilling moan.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Villain Teacher

One of my very sweet violin students drew me a very nice picture, and I thought I should share what she wrote with it:

"Danell and Mr. G are rock stars. I like you. You are the best villan teacher."

"Just look at that awesome paint job". [strokes vehicle gently]

This is my brand spanking new 1975 Toyota pickup. I bought it for $600 on Thursday. Flashy, huh? It features a manual transmission, a deluxe non-opening rear window, a tailgate with heavy duty treasure chest style clamps to open and close it (who needs those modern easy-open handles?), and lastly, it features a grossly mis-aimed windshield wiper fluid sprayer which sprays all the way back in to the bed of the pick-up!!!


My wife and cat just created a couple of really nice blogs. Check 'em out:
this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, February 14, 2005

I LOVE MY WIFE! (In case you couldn't tell.)

I know. I don't deserve her. But she is my valentine, forever!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

This is me pretending to look happy while tuning up the car. Of course I couldn't even get to one of the spark plugs without taking the alternator off. Unless you count spraying gasoline in my eye while changing the fuel filter, it was a pretty normal tune up.

50% less juice

OK, somebody got a big raise, and they didn't deserve it. I had seen this new phenomenon at the grocery store but now it has invaded the gas stations, too: Bottled juice with 50% less sugar! It's a big rip off.

Now let me preface this. As most of you know, I am a living oxymoron. Moron yes, but oxymoron more so. Although I am tempted with candy bars, etc., I also have the paradoxial desire to ingest nothing but the finest and purest foods and drinks. This said, when I saw some juice in the gas station today which claimed it had 50% less sugar, I investigated.

When I turn the bottle around, what do I see on the back? 50% juice. 50% juice??! I am used to that brand always saying 100% juice! What is going on here? The realization that the public has just been scammed sinks in. Ladies and not-so-gentlemen: What we have here is one bottle of juice which says 100% juice on it, and another which says 50% juice but claims 50% less sugar in the overall product. Do you get the picture? There are no other ingredient differences, and both bottles are the same size. In case you have played too many video games in your lifetime and are too slow to get the picture, THE 50% JUICE HAS 50% THE SUGAR SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS HALF WATERED DOWN!!! This is very disturbing. So what if I sold chocolate ice cream which claimed to have half the sugar, due to only half of it being ice cream? What if half of it were something else? (You decide.) Hey, they could start selling granulated sugar which has half the sugar, too! They could fill half of the bag with salt!! The worst part about this is that the company it self is making TWICE the profit. Think about it: Sell half the juice for the same price. Like I say, who ever came up with that, got a big raise for cheating us all! Sickening. Disturbingly gross-out. What a big laughable scam. What do they take me for? an idiot? Don't answer that.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Trapped by my own excuse for reality.

but everybody's doing it, Mom

I have feel like that I am on the verge of giving in to the peer pressure of everyone in my church. That's right, it's time I go with the crowd and become painfully ill with the flu. The words of warning from all the health food people in my my life come to mind at times like these, though to no avail. The urge to kill my immune system is too strong. I simply walk in to the gas station for a quart of oil, and spooky voices start to call out to me: "It's worth it to get sick if you can have sugary slime"..."Chocolate will help you feel more secure about yourself."...or... "You can just have one more, and then quit tomorrow." When I look about for the source of these slippery voices, to my astonishment, they come from the poison shelf. There I see a Gutterfinger staring me right in the eyes, but am quickly distracted by a pair of Sneezes Pieces who extend twin beckoning fingers. I feel the cold, wet feeling of saliva soaking into my shirt, but know not why. I hear a sound similar to that of a oil quart hitting the floor. I soon feel the the cool sleek wrapper of not just one, but two, three, or even four candy bars in my hand. Entranced with desire, I walk towards the cash register and pass the cold/sinus tablets with brazen face. (I now see the inefficiency in my not picking some up while I was there.) Yes, I too will be calling in sick soon. But hey, that will give me more time to do my blog...

Click here to make this not your homepage

It seems that the masses are in some doubt as to the value of this blog to the global community. Well, the bottom line is: If you don't think it has comic value, you really don't have to read it. (Unless it has been assigned as class curriculum by your professor, or your mother makes you read it before you are allowed to do your homework, or it is simply stuck as your homepage and you don't know how to fix it.)

I think what this world needs is a little bit of looking at things from the wrong perspective. It's an "un-blog", and the sole proprietor really does belong behind the twisted bars of satire from which he blogs.

People take life a little too seriously, and they better quit it, or I will get mad.

I'm definitely sure this is me, although I'm not sure what that thing is on top of my head.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Sell Phone

It makes it a little less of a drudgery to share my deepest thoughts with you, when there are so many ways to do it. Last time it was via voice on my cell. This time it is through a text message on my sell phone.


Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer
this is an audio post - click to play

Constructive criticism, I guess...or something

"I wouldn't go online to see that. Why would I when I could see that in person?!" -my mother-in-law, when invited to view my crazy blog

Still here!

Sorry to not be keeping up with this blog so well. It's been nearly four hours, if you can believe it. People like me blog behind bars.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

okay, okay, okay

Don't take life so seriously -- at least for the moment...This is primarily a satire blog with a skewed perspective on life, and a little bit of boring normalcy mixed in with the humor. So if you are ever walking down the street chewing bubble gum, and think a thought like "I wish that there was a stupid blog that was so smart aleck that it was hardly funny, and was almost never serious", then quit wishing and just head over here and discard your bubble gum on the computer screen over my photo.

I think this is me.

Jamous the Famous?

So it seems like that everybody wants to feel famous and have a blog and stuff, so why not me? There is this part of me which calls out for attention. I want to be paid attention to. I want my personal life to be in the limelight. I want to cheapen my private life by making it not private anymore. Isn't that cool? So cool.


Hmmm...What is a blog? I blog behind bars? Huh? Huuuuuuh?
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